Chapter 4

As the new year dawned, the students began there studies once again. Julius made Kent, Balian and Jamos teacher's under him. Balian taught weaponry, Kent taught the students along side of Julius, and Jamos taught the students lore and poetry and song.

They heard little news about Justin.

However they had heard a rumor that Justin was planning to kill Julius a year from then.

Balian immediately began to plan on how to best secure Julius' safety.

Julius thought Balian to be foolish, and told him on several occasions,

"If Almighty God wishes me to come before Him myself, there is nothing you can do to appeal it."

"But one does not know the Will of the Father, so is it not our responsibility to be prepared for anything?" Argued Balian.

Julius couldn't help but laugh. "What you say is true young master Balian. Continue your planning."

Don't Do Anything Stupid

I wish I could take all the pain away,
I wish I would have seen this sooner,
I should probably try to do something right?

I could try to be the world,
I would be the only one,
That should be in your mind.

You could be the only one,
You would be my reason
Should I choose to exist.

I wish I could, I wish I would, i think I should,

Just run away
From all the problems and all the pain
Just run away
From everything that makes me who I am
Just run away

I wish I could understand
What would happen
If I should run away

I wish I could see
What would be
Should this life be without me

I could think and see
All that would happen
If I should run away

I wish I could, I wish I would, i think I should,

Just run away
From all the problems and all the pain
Just run away
From everything that makes me who I am
Just run away

But all I hear is Your voice calling out to me, saying "My son, come back to Me!"


In the end it never helped anything, and I regret what I'd done.

Hymn of A Broken Man

Don't be to near to me,
But don't leave me here.

These scars adhere to this life of mine
How can this be?

I'm stuck in this mess without a plan,
And I can't make some kind of sanity
To make it all better even for a little while.

'Cause I'm breaking free from your cold dead hearts,
Your cold dead hands,
that do the things that make you man.
I'm breaking free, breaking free.

My life is all,
All but sane.

How can I
Make You mine?

I'm stuck in this mess without a plan,
And I can't make some kind of sanity
To make it all better even for a little while.

'Cause I'm breaking free, I'll never be the same.
Your white-washed walls won't do a thing
To save my soul from everything, anything.
I'm breaking free, breaking free.

'Cause I'm breaking free from your cold dead hands,
that do the things that make you man.
From your cold dead hearts,
With white walls that chain you down.
I'm breaking free, breaking free.

I Miss You...

Home...no longer exists for me, save in memory. I am no longer content in my old skin, I must get out...or die trying. I am scared of anything, save losing my testimony. I want to put down roots, grow deep; but God has me constantly moving around. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and God has asked me to step off, when there is a thousand foot fall two inches in front of me. How can I not be scared? Can I not still trust You and ask why? I no longer feel comfortable where most would find comfort. I feel cold, alone, confused, used, abused, and just plain exhausted. I miss the nearness we once shared, the conversations that would last for weeks. I miss Your breath on everything I did. I miss Your love. I miss You...all of You

The Little Light Bulb That Popped Up Over My Head

God has been changing things in my life, and it has taken me to my limit. I have come to find out that I'm not comfortable in what most people would define as a comfort bubble. The house I live in, the people I'm around, the things that everyone is getting caught up in; I'm just not comfortable there anymore. Don't get me wrong I am very comfortable around my family and friends, but that's it.
All of this has made me think how big is God? Does He really fit into the little box that i put him in? Or is He the One that measured the Universe between His forefinger and thumb? Must we call Him to come down from Heaven in order for us to worship Him? Or is He there living in our hearts? Did He have need of evolution to create the world? Or is He the One who breathed stars into existence? Is He a little old man who sits in heaven finding ways to make our lives miserable? Or is He the One who is Omniscient, and knows what is best for us?
The ultimate question that I had to ask myself was who is god in my life? Is it me? or Is it God?

Letter From God

Dear Child,
I am Life. What you call "life" is only going to bring you pain, and I don't want to see you hurt yourself.
I AM, Mighty Saviour, Lion of Judah, King of kings, Lord of lords, Mighty Fortress, Prince of peace, Jehovah-nisi, All Mighty God, Creator, Lover, Best Friend, Abba,and Lamb of God are just a few of My titles.
I love you more than you can ever know. I am Love. Outside of Me love cannot exist. I died for you so you may be with me throughout eternity. How is that not Loving?
I don't sit around, I live inside your heart, and you could hear My voice if you would listen and stop running a hundred miles an hour.
Love your Father and Lover,
God
P.S. Things will workout the way that will benefit you best in My time, before you want to object I suggest you read Job.

Letter To God

Dear God,
What am I supposed to do? How can I live the way You want me to and still have a "life"? You say that it's wrong to go out and get drunk even if it is only once in a while, and I can't cuss, smoke, or have any fun. Who are You? Aren't You supposed to "love" me or something like that? All You do is sit around in Heaven and make my life miserable.

Love,
your child
P.S. It'd be really nice if you would make things work out the way I want them to be...thanks! I know You'll pull through!